and if I ever saw you again, here’s what I would say

Our breakup was so necessary, and so final, that there’s no reason for us to ever speak again.

I know with absolute certainty that nothing good would come from one more conversation, and I’ve come to terms with that.

But sometimes at night, when I’m lying in bed unable to sleep, I think about what I’d say if you were in front of me one last time. So here goes.

You hurt me more than I ever thought possible, but I won’t pretend I didn’t love you. We were so toxic, and so unhealthy, but to say what we had wasn’t real would be a lie. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much. Because in between the undeniable bad were occasional moments of tangible good.

I accepted your apology when you finally offered it, but a part of me will never forgive you. I may have moved on, but sections of my self-worth and heart will never be fully whole. You were the one I thought I’d spend my life with. Until you weren’t. I know how sorry you are, but nothing can undo the damage you caused.

I realize now that we were never going to make it. The blind-in-love feelings that clouded our judgement hid the fact that we were doomed from day one. Looking back, it’s downright shocking that I didn’t notice the red flags before it was too late.

We were so desperate to prove we were happy, that we completely lost touch with reality.

Thank you for raising my standards. If it weren’t for you, I would still have no idea what I want. Or what I deserve. You showed me what it feels like to settle, and I refuse to do it again.

Choosing to love myself enough to leave you was the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but it was also the best. However good your intentions were, loving you was like playing with fire, and I got burned.

I need you to know that while I’m sorry your world got turned upside down, deciding to crawl out of the flames was the most important choice I could have made. And one I wouldn’t change for anything.

I no longer think about you constantly, or reach for my phone to text you whenever I have a funny story. But when it’s dark and I’m lonely, you creep into the back of my mind. I miss when things were good, and I miss the role we played in each others lives. In the end you were no longer my harbor, but I miss the feeling of being safe in your arms, before the storm.

You pleaded with me to give you one last try, as if I hadn’t given you hundreds already. I truly don’t believe that people change, and deep down I know you never would have give me what I needed. But part of me will always wonder what could have been.

This may surprise you, but I do want you to be happy. Not the kind of happy we thought we had, all tangled up in false expectations, dependance and lies. Despite what you put me through, you, deserve the happy that makes everyday brighter. If the purpose of you and me was to show you what not to do again, I can live with that.

I don’t regret leaving you, but I don’t regret our relationship either. For everything we were, everything we went through, and everything we never became, you are a part of my past. A fundamental reason I am who I am today.

I’ll try not to remember our darkest moments, but I’ll never forget that you were my first love.

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