and if I ever saw you again, here’s what I would say

Our breakup was so necessary, and so final, that there’s no reason for us to ever speak again.

I know with absolute certainty that nothing good would come from one more conversation, and I’ve come to terms with that.

But sometimes at night, when I’m lying in bed unable to sleep, I think about what I’d say if you were in front of me one last time. So here goes.

You hurt me more than I ever thought possible, but I won’t pretend I didn’t love you. We were so toxic, and so unhealthy, but to say what we had wasn’t real would be a lie. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much. Because in between the undeniable bad were occasional moments of tangible good.

I accepted your apology when you finally offered it, but a part of me will never forgive you. I may have moved on, but sections of my self-worth and heart will never be fully whole. You were the one I thought I’d spend my life with. Until you weren’t. I know how sorry you are, but nothing can undo the damage you caused.

I realize now that we were never going to make it. The blind-in-love feelings that clouded our judgement hid the fact that we were doomed from day one. Looking back, it’s downright shocking that I didn’t notice the red flags before it was too late.

We were so desperate to prove we were happy, that we completely lost touch with reality.

Thank you for raising my standards. If it weren’t for you, I would still have no idea what I want. Or what I deserve. You showed me what it feels like to settle, and I refuse to do it again.

Choosing to love myself enough to leave you was the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but it was also the best. However good your intentions were, loving you was like playing with fire, and I got burned.

I need you to know that while I’m sorry your world got turned upside down, deciding to crawl out of the flames was the most important choice I could have made. And one I wouldn’t change for anything.

I no longer think about you constantly, or reach for my phone to text you whenever I have a funny story. But when it’s dark and I’m lonely, you creep into the back of my mind. I miss when things were good, and I miss the role we played in each others lives. In the end you were no longer my harbor, but I miss the feeling of being safe in your arms, before the storm.

You pleaded with me to give you one last try, as if I hadn’t given you hundreds already. I truly don’t believe that people change, and deep down I know you never would have give me what I needed. But part of me will always wonder what could have been.

This may surprise you, but I do want you to be happy. Not the kind of happy we thought we had, all tangled up in false expectations, dependance and lies. Despite what you put me through, you, deserve the happy that makes everyday brighter. If the purpose of you and me was to show you what not to do again, I can live with that.

I don’t regret leaving you, but I don’t regret our relationship either. For everything we were, everything we went through, and everything we never became, you are a part of my past. A fundamental reason I am who I am today.

I’ll try not to remember our darkest moments, but I’ll never forget that you were my first love.

skill the bootycall and just go back to sleep

We’ve all been there—that late night text comes through from your ex/hookup/the guy you like who will never actually date you when you’re feeling lonely. In that moment, heading to his place seems like the right choice, but a word of advice, don’t do it. I promise you’ll regret it. Every single time.

1. If he only wants you at night, he doesn’t deserve you.

A real gentleman will text you during the light of day and want to see you more often than once in awhile when he’s craving a little lovin’. You should be on his mind more times than just when it’s horny.

2. Any promise he makes is going to turn up empty.

Anything a guy says to get you to come over is just that—charming lines to get laid. You can’t take anything at face value or trust any words to be true beyond that specific moment in time.

3. Regardless of your history, he’s only thinking about himself.

He’s probably saying, “you owe him one”, “you never got closure” or “you know you want to have some fun”, but the truth is, he’s as selfish as he ever was.

4. Your self-worth shouldn’t be tied to someone else.

It feels damn good to be wanted by another person, but that’s not what should define you. You’re more than a notch on his belt and you’re certainly more than that 2 a.m. call or text.

5. Your gut is there for a reason.

If every part of you besides your sex drive is screaming, “don’t do it!” then you need to listen. Do yourself a favor and go with your instincts, not your libido.

6. You won’t be alone forever.

Not only will there be plenty of other people in your future, but most of them will want your company outside of the bedroom in the middle of the night.

7. The sex is always worse than you remember/expect it to be.

You’re most likely going to leave disappointed, in every sense. There are so many better ways to enjoy yourself alone, like netflix and uber eats for example…

8. It won’t change anything between you.

Regardless of what you think he wants, what he’s said or what he’s implied, it won’t make a difference. If he wanted to change how things are, he would treat you like a human instead of a piece of ass.

9. Everything looks different when you’re lonely.

When you’re lying awake wondering if someone will ever love you the way you need, you’re at your most vulnerable. If you allow yourself to take a step back and see the big picture, you’ll realize that having someone bad for you isn’t actually better than not having anyone at all.

10. If you give in once, you’re bound to do it again.

Don’t let history repeat itself by giving in over and over. It will only make you more likely to do it again. And unfortunately, the regret will only get worse.

11. You don’t need him, no matter how much you think you do.

One day, he’ll be a non-important part of your past. It’s natural in the moment to convince yourself you want to go over, but if you have to do any convincing, it’s not the right call.

12. When you wake up the next day, you’ll be glad you stayed home.

There’s nothing more validating than re-reading his texts the next morning and being happy you didn’t run over when he begged. You’re better and stronger than his pathetic attempts to use you, and damn will it feel good to know you didn’t give in.

11 truths of a TV addict

Following a show or two is totally normal these days. But some of us have DVR schedules so jam packed it seems humanly impossible to get through that week’s episodes before new ones have aired. But trust us, it can be done.

If we skip our shows for you, it means you’re a big deal.

In our perfect world, no one would invite us to do things when we have an episode to catch, but that would make us unavailable 90% of the time. We have no problem pulling the, “sorry I have other plans” card for some people, so if we actually choose to hang out with you, know you’re special.

We know every illegal/bootleg online option that exists.

Missing a live show isn’t the end of the world thanks to DVR and On Demand. But sometimes technology fails (did I set the wrong day?!) or your roommate deletes a show by accident (she will pay) and you need a fall back plan. The websites are sketchy as hell and probably come with 29349 viruses, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Yes, we actually CAN keep them all straight.

It amazes people that we can follow 15 plot lines, character groups and loads of drama, all at the same time, and not get confused. Don’t you worry, we can! In fact it’s probably making us smarter…like expanding our brains or something…

We feel like we actually know the characters.

One time I told a story about a friend and didn’t realize I was talking about TV show until someone pointed it out, #awkward. We know they’re not real but watching them each week does keep us invested in what happens to them. And don’t get us started on crossovers. When characters from our favorite shows turn up in each other plots to team up and kick ass it’s actual heaven.

Only life or death situations call for interruptions.

When we’re deep into a show the slightest distraction can ruin the whole experience. For those of us who don’t have DVR and are actually watching live (GASP) we will never get those precious moments back! If it’s an emergency you get a pass, but otherwise, talk to me when the credits roll.

Fandom brings people together.

Whether we’re gal pals, cousins, or co-workers, discovering someone else watches the same show as you opens up a whole new level of connection. Having friends to text before, freak out with during, and recap with after makes the week-long wait in between episodes bearable. Almost.

We’ve become psychic.

We’re so good at predicting events that at this point we can basically predict whole episodes. Screaming, “I KNEW IT” at least once a show is fun, but this super power just makes it that much more exciting when something shocking happens that we totally didn’t see coming.

Spoilers can cost friendships.

No joke. Accidental slips can be forgiven on a case by case basis, but if you maliciously ruin a big moment before we’ve caught up you can bet we’ll be salty till the end of time. Is it that hard to send a quick, “did you watch” text before you unload your feels?! UGH.

Our twitter feed is 99.9% show-related.

By the time we follow every actor, writer, producer and show account, it’s safe to say most of our scrolling is behind the scenes updates, episode teasers and the lives of the people who make it happen. It’s impossible to keep up with everything, but if you think we’re above trying, think again. And if we get our tweets favorited or retweeted by someone from our show, OMG, it’s better than Christmas.

We’re not antisocial.

You might be picturing some awkward timid chick curled up on the couch because she’s afraid to go outside. We actually have no problem with face to face contact and love being social. We just also love staying in and screaming, laughing or crying at the TV.

Judge away, we don’t care.

Nothing you say or do will keep us from our guilty pleasures. Haters gonna hate but watchers gonna watch.

I’m not a twenty-something grandma, I just won’t go out on Fridays

I’m well aware that my twenties are all about letting loose, having a fun and partying with my friends. Most people my age don’t have responsibilities on weekends that consume our time and energy, so they take advantage of every minute. Trust me, I have no problem enjoying myself. I simply refuse (in most cases) to do it on Friday night. Call me lame, call me anti social or call me a grandma, I don’t care.

By the time Friday rolls around I’ve endured (at least) 5 straight days of office time and I’m exhausted. Frustration with my boss, annoyance with clients and drama with coworkers leave me feeling like I got hit by a bus multiple times in a row. My feet hurt, my brain hurts and the last thing I want to do when I finally plop down on my couch is get up again, let alone put on makeup and some cute shoes. After working so hard all week I deserve a night on my couch where I don’t have to give AF.

Except for the occasional drink covered by the sleazy guy at the bar, going out every weekend is an expensive habit. Between the alcohol, the food and the cover charges, one great night can rack up quite the tab. Call me old fashioned, but budgeting is a thing. I prefer to save my money and spend it on things that are a bit more practical.

Missing the chance to go out doesn’t bother me, because I’m content with my social life. I have plenty of friends and I have no trouble making more. Staying in doesn’t mean I can’t still be a social butterfly. There is such a thing as friends coming over my apartment to relax. What’s better than wine, gossip and a movie from your own couch?

I pride myself on not caring what people think of me, and that means I don’t need to go out just to say that I did. The “pics or it didn’t happen” mentality lends itself nicely to perfectly posed snap stories of everyone’s social lives, but my self worth isn’t tied to my snapchat views. I know that looks can be deceiving, so I don’t need to post my every move for the world to see. I’d rather enjoy an undocumented night then craft something fake to impress other people.

For me, sleep isn’t just preferable, it’s necessary. I’m not one of those people who would is willing to sacrifice some shut eye for a good time. When I don’t get enough sleep, I’m a miserable monster. I’m cranky, I’m clumsy and I’m not fun to be around. Late nights out on the town require sleeping in the next day, or at the very least, the option for a nap mid-afternoon. Since that’s not always possible, it’s easier to get a hefty night sleep on Friday so I can actually enjoy the rest of my weekend.

How people react when I pass on plans tells me a lot about my friendships. If they keep asking even though I usually say no, I’m confident that they want me to feel included. If they never reach out again, that’s good to know too, because it says they didn’t really want me there to begin with. My closest friends will even offer to stay in with me.

Just because I prefer to lay low on Friday nights doesn’t mean I won’t break my rule to take part in special occasions. If the person matters, I will make exceptions. I know that sometimes things will come up that I don’t want to miss out on, and I have no problem breaking my flow so that I can participate.

I don’t know about you but without a bit of peace and quiet I would go positively insane. I love my friends and I thrive being around other people, but sometimes I need to be alone to recharge. Sitting down with a good book, an open journal or a new series to binge watch on Netflix does wonders for my mental health.

Don’t assume that since I like to stay in for a chill Friday night that I’m not game to rally on Saturday. Saturday is not Friday! In fact, it’s relaxing the night before that is often the only reason I can afford (literally and figuratively) to have a great time the next day.

I don’t judge other people for partying Thursday through Sunday, so give me the same courtesy. I’m happy with my routine. It may not be your style, but it works for me.

I don’t miss you, but some things are harder than others

I can finally say with complete honesty that I don’t miss you. You are no longer my first thought every morning, or my last before I go to sleep. In fact, I sometimes go days, weeks and even longer without you crossing my mind at all. I don’t regret our relationship, but I don’t regret ending it either.

And even though I’m happier now than I ever was with you, pretending certain things don’t suck would be an outright lie. As much as I hate to admit it, some things are still hard to stomach.

When you spend so much of your life with someone, their milestones become yours. Naturally the important days like your birthday, our anniversary and Valentine’s Day are hard, but it’s the smaller ones that tend to creep into the back of my mind. Like when I’m staring at the calendar and remember that a year ago today we left for that vacation. Or looking ahead and realizing that the plans we had for next summer won’t happen afterall. I am moving forward, but on certain days, I can’t help but go back in time.

For so many years you were by my side at every celebration, and now family gatherings and holidays aren’t the same. Your traditions became mine, mine became yours and at first, sitting around the table without you felt so horribly wrong. I’ve gotten through most of the big holidays alone by now, but every time Christmas rolls around, the dull ache in my stomach comes back too.

Remembering the happy moments actually makes me sad. They come when I least expect them, and sometimes they are so random that no matter how hard I try, I can’t find the trigger. I relive the times when everything wasn’t so fucked up. The days when I didn’t fall asleep with tears in my eyes. The nights when I actually felt safe in your arms. I know the good memories were few and far between, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t real and when they hit, they hurt.

If happy memories are painful, thinking about the rest ones are agonizing. When I think about our rise and fall I notice the warning signs earlier in the story each time. The truth about how you made me feel and how much you destroyed me doesn’t just upset me, it makes me downright pissed.

This one might be the most pathetic, but I still crane my neck to check the license plate every time that make, model and color car passes me on the street. I know you’re thousands of miles away, but there’s no greater relief than pulling up next to the car and seeing a stranger.

It’s unfortunate since it’s pretty common, but my breath catches in my chest every time I hear your name. If I meet someone new, I try my best not to say it outloud. If a profile comes up on a dating app I make sure to swipe left. I’m sure this will be one of the things that gets better with time, but for now, all those letters signify is a reminder that the person I thought I would spend my life with, turned out to be someone entirely different.

Whenever a friend goes through a breakup, I tell them to delete every text and e-mail. But when it comes to me following my own advice, it’s suddenly not that simple. Even after I purged my accounts, some lines of communication fell through the cracks. I can’t help re-reading old conversations, but it feels like an out of body experience.

It happens less and less now, but every so often, I see or do something you would like, and get an overwhelming urge to tell you about it, or share a funny story. You were my go-to person for so long, that even though it’s been a year since you filled that role, it’s impossible to escape the subtle reminders of your sense of humor.

There’s a reason I could never quite picture the wedding we talked about. There’s a reason we constantly fought about my need to have kids and your indifference. There’s a reason we needed to go our separate ways. But the fact remains that for years, I thought you were my future. And thinking about all the plans we made that will never materialize is a sad reality.

Whether it’s to a coworker, a friend or the new person I’m trying to let in, I hate opening my mouth to tell a story, only to snap it shut when I realize it will be about you. I want to move on, and in so many ways I have. But we had so many memories and so much time together, that most of my stories contain you or something related to us.

Even though it’s not my job anymore, I think part of me will always worry about you, and wonder how you’re doing. I’m so curious if you’re feeling better, or if you’re still at rock bottom, unwilling and unable to pull yourself up. Have you changed? Have you finally accepted what you refused to when I walked away? I’ll never get all the answers, and that’s a tough pill to swallow.

I wish I could hate you and that I’d be better off never knowing you, but we both know that’s not true. I can’t deny that you and our relationship are a fundamental part of why I am who I am today. I’m not proud of all of my choices, and I know you aren’t either, but at the end of the day, I know that everything happened for a reason. And even though you’ll always be my first love, one day, the subtle reminders, like everything we once were, will disappear too.

ten reasons spreading your wings and starting over is absolutely necessary

There may come a time when you wake up and realize you aren’t living the life you want.

Maybe you’re lost, maybe you’re broken or maybe you just don’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore. What you choose to do in that moment is crucial. If there is any possible way for you to move, to leave home, to get a start fresh, do it. Here’s why it will be the best decision you ever make.

1. You have the opportunity to reinvent yourself.

A fresh start is an incredible thing. When you leave home and start over somewhere new it is entirely your choice what you share and what you don’t. Your experiences have defined you, but you have control over which things follow you into this new stage, and which get left behind.

2. You learn what it’s like to be lonely.

Being truly on your own teaches you to appreciate having others around. Especially if you don’t know anyone in your new city, you’ll learn that alone time is important to understand what you need from others.

3. You get the chance to explore new places.

Drive around for the hell of it. Find the good restaurants, the spots to go on weekends, the quiet parks for when you need time to think. Road trip to nearby cities that you would otherwise never get the chance to visit. Take advantage of every opportunity you can.

4. You are forced to put yourself out there.

It doesn’t matter if you moved with a job lined up, friends waiting for you, both or neither.

It is up to you whether or not you make connections, personal and/or professional. If you sit at home overwhelmed it will be even harder to put roots down. Pick a place or an event and make the promise to yourself to go, even just for an hour.

5. You decide which things are worth your time and energy.

The beauty of starting new relationships is that you don’t owe anything to anyone. Those plans don’t sound fun? Don’t go. That concert will be incredible but it’s on a work night? Rally and make it happen. That gym membership is expensive? Decide if exercise is a priority. You don’t answer to anyone, so invest in choices that feel right to you.

6. You (hopefully) learn to budget your money.

How much it actually costs to live on your own may be a shock to your system at first. Decide what is necessary and what isn’t but is still important, like money for get-togethers that will help you establish a social circle. As long as you pay attention to what you spend and when you save, it will be okay.

7. You see things through a different lens.

It’s crazy how you start to see the past as if it was someone else’s life. Old choices and old patterns look vastly different, and even how you experience the present has changed. Embrace your new view and move forward.

8. You find out which relationships are the real deal.

Friends and family will be thrilled for you, but seeing who makes the time to actually check in down the line will tell you a lot. It’s one thing to get a text every few months and another to share your new experiences with someone who is genuinely excited to hear them.

9. You learn to lean on yourself.

At first, it’s easy to call your mom every time you have an issue, or want reassurance. But slowly you’ll start to realize that you are capable of your own problem solving, and your own self-soothing. Don’t resist it, both are important skills to develop.

10. You never regret it.

Just because it’s necessary now doesn’t mean it will be permanent. If this doesn’t work out you can always go home, and you’ll have learned valuable lessons either way. So do something for yourself and take the chance. No matter what happens, you’ll be glad you did.

to my abuser’s mom, just know I don’t blame you

Of all the things I left behind when I walked out him, you were one of the hardest to lose. We had grown so close over the years, and I began to see you as family. But you’re his mother, so naturally you had to take his side.

I don’t miss him at all, but I do miss you. And I just want to tell you that even though you raised him, I know that what happened wasn’t your fault.

From everything I know, you were a great mother. You gave your only child a roof over his head, all the things he needed and plenty of what he wanted. You taught him manners, instilled values of family, and encouraged him to always work hard.

But from the very beginning he was feeding you a selective part of our story. He very carefully constructed the relationship that you, and everyone else, saw. What you missed behind closed doors was impossible to detect, and what you saw in the open was easy to explain away.

I can’t blame you for not noticing the way he treated me, because it took me years to label the manipulation myself. I was so focused on the good we had, that I was completely incapable of seeing the ugly.

I defended him to everyone and told myself that he would someday be the man I needed. The man I knew you raised him to be. A man who wouldn’t make me cry, make me hurt, or make me second guess everything I knew.

The times he did raise his voice with you around, you’d give him a scolding. Then you’d laughed and say you don’t know how I put up with him. Or you’d make him apologize, and give me a knowing look. But neither of us really understood how deep the unhealthy actions went. At least not at first.

I’m so sorry you had to watch. Looking back at the rise of our love story and the fall out of our toxic relationship, I can’t imagine the pain it must have caused you. Your only son, your flesh and blood, had not only found an incredible girl, but took her entirely for granted and destroyed her.

You heard the arguments, you saw my pain and you watching helplessly as he ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him. And no matter how much you may wish you could’ve reasoned with him, we both know it wouldn’t have done any good.

When I finally got the courage to leave, you had no choice but to stand by him. And while that does make me sad, I can’t blame you for it. To be honest, I don’t even know if he told you the truth about how we ended.

Maybe he made up an elaborate story and painted me as the bad guy. Maybe you’re glad I’m gone. But part of me is sure that no matter what he said, deep down you know the truth.

I have chosen to forget a lot of things about my relationship, but I’ll always think fondly of my time with you. I hope one day he finds a woman who is able to bring out the man I couldn’t seem to find. I hope one day I’ll have a mother-in-law I adore.

But it’s comforting to know that no matter what happens, you’ll always have a special spot in your heart for me, just like I will for you.